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Daily gems.

An old personal journal entry that just seems worth sharing.

At twenty four, I honestly thought I would have reached an optimum level of maturity and a certain confidence with life. But as I get older my certainty and confidence in living seems to waiver and slowly dim out.

I could blame it on a number of things but it all comes down to one thing, I am the mechanic of my own life. I control  a larger part of how things turn out o be. But so very often, I rush to pointing fingers and blaming institutions larger and seemingly way out of my control.

Suddenly I want to be a farmer. Till the land and enjoy my own produce. Take full responsibility for the outcome of my hard work where any battle that I might have would be between me and nature and the God I talk to.

I rise early to prepare for work in the city, rushing and competing with an endless number of individuals all out to get the same thing I want. A secured future, a meal for the day, a comfortable dwelling, a possible foundation for a family: a means for comfortable continuity.

I am disgusted.

I suddenly feel sorry for not only myself but for all those around me. I am overwhelmed by the pity for the ignorant masses..rushing, running, cheating, coniving, complaining souls around me. I am not overwhelmed this time, like so often in the past, by a need to instigate change, but rather, I want to just rise above it, escape and enjoy my youth until it fades away to nothingness.

I blame the systems that have given themselves authority to play God and meet in dark rooms to plot on how to rob us of what we are truly entitled to. The monsters created by capitalism and worldly forces set up to solve complexities of life. Monsters created because of the innate need for security, belonging and continuity.

 Mine and so many others’ freedom is masked by so many falsities and a false hope that if we give in as much as we can, we shall indeed get all our life’s desires.

I believe that everything will be OK eventually, I hold on to my optimism. I build within me a new hope.

But I falter, I wonder how many times I will have to shape my mind into conforming to what I so much do not understand and yet distaste. At this point , I resent my human conscience because it is
burden. I long to be naive and carry on gracefully unknowing of what surrounds me.

I look at nature and I am filled with envy.

The birds will continue to soar over the city irregardless of the state it is in. Destroyed by it’s human inhabitants, or by nature, the birds continue to soar, oblivious of the filth in the surroundings and moving on to happier healthier places to exist.

I will be a bird.

I will flee.

I will live on, in beauty, oblivion and plight.

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“I love the grace she carries despite the fact that as far as she knows, only her reflection is watching her fly.  I Love the way she is swimming through the air as her silhouette swims through the water below her.  Carry your grace proudly, no matter who is watching, no matter if it is only for yourself.

Kingfisher Racing Her Reflection (by TylerKnott)”

Good evening wonderful earthlings,

I type before you in shame, because I failed at an original task that I had set out to accomplish. See, I had initially intended to share with the lot of you bored “interesting stuff” thirsty people something precious everyday and I got selfish somewhere along the way and out of negligence and all that stuff, I decided to not share with you my daily gems, until a few moments ago.

I watched Amelie.


So,I love foreign cinema stuff and loved this one in particular because I am a sucker for stuff that gives me a legit reason to dream hopelessly and feed my mind with useless whatnots on how I am going to live like a hero from today hence forth by changing A,B and C, and sadly, more often than not, I get distracted by something more interesting before I can do what I had initially set out to do. (Like take over the world and spray some kush all over it so we can all get along just fine – World Peace.)

Any who, back to wonderful Amelie, see I hate the movie because they made it without basing it off me and I am slightly bitter with Amelie because she stole some of my ideas and she got the fame for them before I did. (Do you ever get that feeling?). And so at this point you wonder, wait, is she really battling emotionally with a fictional character.And I say yes,

fictional is relative.

 Just because something exists in a reality that is not precisely your own at the time does not mean that it can not belong to you. Amelie takes pleasure in things that am sure we all take pleasures in at some point in life without realizing it. I love to dip my fingers in rice sacks and bean sacks at the market place too because the feeling of displacing stuff to fit your body part is just weirdly pleasing. ( That might have come off a little sexual, but trust me it is not.). Or the way she ate her berries one by one off her finger as a little girl and the way she was peeling dried glue off her hand, we did that as well in primary school and loved it!.

ImageOr, most importantly for me at least, is

(the punchline.)

finding meaning in life from doing one very simple good thing for someone else and inherently making yourself happy just as eating berries off each your finger would. Just something silly like that.

In order to fulfill our selfish human nature of acquiring some level of self-importance to the world, we seek fame, or some form of accomplishment so we can stand proud in society feeling good about ourselves. Or maybe we rebel so we can be different and stand out as proving an important point. We seek to elevate the ME factor in all of us somehow at some point in life.

But the joy in watching Amelie’s actions is that she proves that by doing something good for someone and making them happy, all the above fore mentioned feelings can still be attained and the best part is, you do come out as the selfish shining hero and whatnot and someone else is happy along the way.

So, am going to eat the last cookie that I have right here next to me (as opposed to offering it to someone else.)  and get a sugar high off of it so I can smile at the bored security guard on my way out of school and that should brighten his day and make me feel good about life.

The simple pleasures of life.ImageMY! sugar cookie, is the gem of the day.

😉

Bonne nuit!

Its a red skirt kind of thing.

Moments after the day that signifies 2012 is indeed a  leap year.

I am sitting on the floor surrounded by a countless number of meaningless objects that define my life in that sense that they pretty much encompass almost entirely all the things I own in life.

I look at the pair of shoes I oh so lovingly purchased the other day with so much love and excitement and at this moment though, they are just shoes. Just that. Shoes. It is all that they are. The feelings and moments of Euphoria that came along with them the moment I saw them in the store is seemingly alien like at this moment in life as I stare at them.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is unfortunate that the feelings I just described are pretty much exactly how I feel about almost entirely everything in my life at this moment. The chocolate chip cookie on the plate besides my empty previously filled with milk cup is still just that, a cookie. A meaningless commodity that is pleasant to the taste buds that I purchased from trader joes a few days ago. The red skirt I am wearing that seemed to excite me two days ago as I wore it to my midterm jury presentation is just that, a skirt.

And for this reason, I am starting this blog. I am officially dedicating my life to recording all my pre pms, post pms, sugar, caffeine and any other substance induced high moments of excitement about well pretty much objects, people, places, stuff and life in general.

Because when I do have these moments of meaningless apathy where everything seems so lifeless and empty, I can look back, read a little and relive the moments when I could see the little gems in the empty stuff that we are surrounded with in life, and have a reason to SMILE. I hope that you can take some amount of pleasure from watching me do this as well.

Comments are welcome although I pretty much do not care what anyone thinks or feels at this moment.

Good evening.

I found a little gem  somewhere in me along the way

I find a little gem in everything after that

and so I share these nothings

only so this little gem can shine brighter.

I write about feelings

I don’t tell stories

I feel so I can love better

and not to make you feel special

I see life through my own understanding

and not through the boring shit the world has already written out for me

Come, Lets take a walk

and talk about nothing.

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